It’s been a week since the royal wedding, even longer since I’ve written here and I thought it was time for an honest update.

The contract for my last job ended in October. That put my already strained finances under even greater pressure. Putting money towards donations or hours towards volunteering instead of earning money got more difficult. And if you have been unemployed for a long time you’ll be able to understand the amount of self-care is needed to just keep going. It’s been challenging.

It feels like it has pushed my dreams further away and nothing echoed that more than the royal wedding. I love weddings and have a secret addiction to watching cute proposal videos online. I just love LOVE and these two clearly love each other. I also respect HRH Prince Harry for all that he’s done with the Invictus Games and speaking about mental health through Head’s Together. So I got up semi-early (not in the middle of the night, thank you DVR) and made scones and sat down for all the pomp and circumstance. It was beautiful.

But as I watched Meghan and read the coverage the following days I couldn’t help but feel a bit envious. She had made from California to royalty. She had made it on her own, dealt with family issues, and fell in love in her thirties and all of a sudden it’s her full-time job to be a philanthropist. It’s her job to raise awareness for causes important to her. It’s her job to sit front row and cheer at the Invictus Games. It’s her job to give medals to charity runners at the London Marathon. My heart pangs for a job like that.

There are tradeoffs, she has to wear pantyhose now, no bright nail polish, no more shellfish, she had to shut down her blog, no more social media, lots of paparazzi, and she can’t volunteer quite the way I can, really getting in on the ground level. But the tradeoffs seem small for a dream job. All jobs have tradeoffs after all.

I’m careful to say envious, not jealous because I don’t want what she has, I want my own life and my own path. I know that if I keep working I can be a philanthropist too. I don’t have to be Melinda Gates or the Duchess of Sussex or Michelle Obama if I only turn the envy into inspiration.

And that’s how you get through the hard times, you take the setbacks and envy and sadness and you look for the inspiration. Then you look again. You keep finding the inspiration until you get somewhere. You never know when your life will suddenly be that fairy tale you’ve been working towards.

I can raise awareness for causes that are important to me. I can volunteer at the Invictus Games. I can receive a medal running for charity at the London Marathon. I don’t need a prince to become my own kind of American Princess.

Time Magazine just announced their person/people of the year – The Silence Breakers

It’s a unique time and the cover choice shows that. I can only hope that the silence is actually broken, like into a million pieces can never be put back together broken. It takes so much courage to share these kinds of stories and I’m glad that it seems like as a society we’re starting to listen.

I hope we keep listening, I hope we’re ready to show up for the hard changes that some people have to make. This situation does bring me hope for a different future.

RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)  – Has been doing the work and supporting people since 1994.  If you need support or if you’re looking for a great organization to support RAINN is great.

What do you think about this movement and Time’s choice?

The floods in Texas and India are devastating to watch unfold on the news. If you’re reading this blog, the first thing you’re probably thinking is how can I help? There are telethons and text short codes and articles about how you shouldn’t donate to this charity or that one, you want to help the pets or the elderly or the people with families or who are in some way just like you. Maybe you’ve been through a natural disaster and want them to know you know what it’s like. But where to start and how to be truly helpful are hard things to understand with these images flashing across your screen.

I believe that disasters and crises just intensify who we already are. The outer layer we hide behind drops away and the best or worst of us just shows up. There is one person who has become a viral star from the Texas floods – Mattress Matt. This gentleman is a furniture store owner with a large showroom and a caring heart. He opened his store, with all its display furniture to shelter his fellow Houstonians. He heard it was someone’s birthday so he gifted her a mattress right there on the spot. He said the money would work itself out in the long run. You could tell he wasn’t making any grand effort, wasn’t calculating how this would make him look, he was just being Mattress Matt, a guy who cared about people and had the ability to show it during this crisis.

So be yourself. Be kind, and caring, show the world what you can do. Crises are an opportunity to show up and be genuine. Use it.

But even kind and caring people can learn to do better with practice. That’s what being kind without a crisis in our everyday life does, it makes it easier when disaster comes along for us to just show up to. It’s like when your parents told you to brush your teeth every day when you were small. Eventually, no one had to tell you to brush your teeth in the morning, it’s just something you do. Make kindness like brushing your teeth.

And importantly, ask questions to avoid the disaster after the disaster. Research which charities are best for you to give to if you can give money. If you have things to donate, try to ask what people need before sending things. I have the opportunity to talk to crisis counselors who have been affected by the Texas flooding and ask them what they need before I send a big package of stuff that may or may not help. I can tailor a gift package to what that person actually needs and will use. A handknit scarf or a hand me down sweater may be given with heart but if it’s not what they need then it doesn’t really do as much as we’d hope. We can still be smart and thoughtful in a time of crisis. It’s worth taking a minute to ask or research how we can be most effective.

And we don’t have to hurry! We can be helpful next month or next year. Plan vacations to the area in the next few years to get money into the community, look at buying things from local businesses that were affected, donate to causes that will be helping with long term reconstruction, even look into environmental organizations that are working to reduce the impact of climate change or even look into local infrastructure issues in your area and vote accordingly. If you didn’t have the money to participate in the telethon or the internet challenges or to match your favorite celebrities’ campaign, know that you still have time to show up. There is always time to care.

So take a breath, always practice kindness, and just show up for each other.

What have you done to help in a disaster that you can share with us? I’d love to hear some success stories!

I’ve been having a rough time lately. I know we’ve all been there. My dog got skunked and I’m trying to get a job and pay bills and family drama and then a nail in my tire. Sometimes it’s just one thing after another and the stress is overwhelming. You’re moving or having a baby or changing jobs or having trouble with family or financial stresses – we all face those metaphorical rainy days. So this post is as much for me as it is for you. Here are some things I’m trying to keep in mind while I navigate the rainy weather.

1. Don’t Stress About Being Stressed

You wouldn’t stress out about having a fever would you?!? Well I would but then I’d realize that that added stress wasn’t doing a thing to help my fever and I’d take some medicine and get some rest. Stressing out about being stressed is natural but it isn’t helping the problem. Focus on taking care of yourself and doing things that relieve your stress. This can be different for everyone but some good things to try are walking in nature, visiting with friends, meditating or yoga.

2. Empathy & Kindness are Muscles

The more you use them the stronger they get. So even if you are only being empathetic and kind to yourself, you’re growing those muscles so that when you’re in a better place you’ll be better at helping others. You aren’t wasting time being nice to yourself. We’ve all heard the cliche – you can’t pour from an empty cup – well it’s true. Fill up your cup so the empathy and kindness overflows.
3. Appreciate Receiving Kindnesses

You may not be able to show as many of those random acts of kindness when you’re down and out but believe me you will receive them. So notice them, appreciate them, be loudly thankful for them. Reach out to friends and family. They know you’ll be there for them when they need it, let them be there for you now.

4. A Break is NOT Failure

Stepping away from volunteering or donating or anything else you do to be a good person doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re taking a rest. It means you need a break. It doesn’t mean that you’re being bad or mean or anything else. It just means that you need to recover to come back stronger. If you need to set a date to get back to it, do that. Officially take time off of thinking and stressing about it.

5. It isn’t Always Going to Feel Like This

Metaphorical rainy days clear away for metaphorical rainbows and sunny days. This is just temporary stress and you’ll get through it. Give yourself some time and don’t let yourself slip into the doom and gloom that now your life is ruined. At first that skunk smell will make you feel like your nose wants to give up and nothing will ever smell good again. But days and weeks will pass and things will return to normal. You’ll burn candles and clean and breezes will sweep away the old smells and bring you new ones. It may take longer than you want but just remember it isn’t a permanent state. You’re a good person, things will work out.

What are your tips for dealing with those metaphorical rainy days?

I’ve seen this State Farm commercial for a few weeks now and I think it’s very interesting –

The man in the clip goes about his day and is inundated by causes – they’re on transit ads, social media, on the news, everywhere he looks. There is even a polar bear in an alley for some reason. All these things begin to follow him around while he’s getting dinner with friends, commuting, or exercising. These issues follow him around like a black cloud until he decides to volunteer for one of them. “You can lift the weight of caring by doing.” Is it’s final message (well it’s real final message is buy State Farm Insurance).

Corporations have a long history of doing good in order to build their brand and look good as a company, not necessarily altruistic motivations. And because of this there are a lot of donations to charity and a lot of employee volunteer hours spent (often altruistically on a personal level).

The question is – does motivation matter? Does it matter if we’re volunteering because we feel guilty, because we truly care, because our employer encourages it and we want to get ahead in our job, because we care about how we are perceived, because we need to feel better about ourselves, because we want to better ourselves, because a celebrity we like supports a cause, because we get a perk or swag, or because some other because?

Personally I think some of those “because”s make bad volunteers. They move the priority and focus away from the act of helping. While I don’t think volunteering needs to be completely altruistic, I do think it should be the major reason. I volunteer for many reasons and sometimes the perks I receive are fantastic and I know I’ve grown and developed skills that benefit me personally. I also tell people that if they’re feeling down about an issue that volunteering with like minded people is great for their mental healthcare. But if you’re volunteering because you’ve been made to feel guilty by an ad on your commute I don’t think you’re going to be the best volunteer and I wonder if you’ll even really get any of the other benefits of volunteering.

This commercial makes me feel very uneasy. It’s so negative. The message is there are so many things wrong with the world instead of look what we all can do, and are doing, to make the world a better place. I’m an optimistic person by nature so maybe this ad wasn’t meant for me.

What do you think about the ad? Is it effective? Are guilty volunteers good volunteers?