Category: Thoughts

What I Mean by Personal Kindness

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Kindness, like most things, is better when it’s personal.

You can and should be kind to strangers but you need to be kind to the people in your life you have a personal relationship with like your friends and family. Since I started focusing on personal kindnesses I’ve been noticing just how kind my friends and family really are. When trying to remember something I’ve done during the week to be kind to someone else, I see so easily how a friend’s kindness effected me during the week. I have some amazing friends who never stop showing me kindness. Hopefully I am just as kind back to them. Supporting them when they’re having a bad day or making a good day great.

I tend not to use the phrase random acts of kindness. It’s because I think these things shouldn’t just be random; kindness should be constant and consistent. There’s nothing wrong with being reliably kind. That’s what I’m thinking about and aiming for, nothing wrong with random acts of kindness, any kindness is good but that’s not my focus.

Personal also means what’s best for me. Buying the person behind me coffee might not bring me much joy but asking about someone’s weekend does. Personalize it to what works best for you and fits your personality. Find the ways that being kind light you up.

How do you personalize kindness?

Saunders on Kindness

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Back in the summer of 2013 I came across a graduation speech by one of my favorite authors. Even though I’d graduated many years ago, I always like listening to my favorite authors. Especially when they’re tasked with talking to people at such an interesting moment in their life; a time of transition and hope and panic. George Saunders has written some of my favorite short stories so when he was tasked with giving the convocation speech at Syracuse University I was ready to listen. That speech has stuck with me ever since.

His message was simple – Be kind. But of course like with all great simple things, it’s not really that simple. Being kind is hard. It’s easier to stay silent. It’s easier to worry about yourself. It’s easier to go along with the group. But if we want to lead lives without regrets, lead thoughtful and wonderful lives, we have to try to be kind whenever possible, as much as possible.

Saunders really says it so well. You can read his full speech by clicking on the quote below or watch the video which is an animated snippet of the speech.

“What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness. ….

“But kindness it turns out, is hard.”

~George Saunders

 

 

 

#OrlandoUnited

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I was in the Laugh Factory here in LA when I found out. The group I was with was making We are Orlando signs and I thought it was strange because I thought it was about the singer who was just shot the other night in Orlando, I hadn’t yet heard. I had been busy putting rainbow eyeshadow on my eyes, securing my tiara, and going over the dance routines for the parade to turn on the news that morning. But I quickly learned that the signs were not strange at all. Our community had been attacked. I was devastated.

 

But the PRIDE parade preparations continued and we went to the queue area. Then I started to get texts from friends and family asking if I was safe. That’s how I found out that LA PRIDE had been targeted. That they caught someone with a car full of explosives and ammunition headed our way. I thought about going home. I imagined Boston. But then I saw the increased LAPD presence, I got assurance and encouragement from my group’s security team, and I was reminded that the point of PRIDE isn’t just a celebration but a chance to stand together. This was my second time in the LA PRIDE parade and I was ready for the protesters with their little area along the route with their signs and bullhorns chanting we’re all going to hell. I was ready for hate. I know that we’ve come a long way; marriage equality is the law of the land but I know we have a long way to go; conversation therapy is still legal in most states.

 

I danced my way through West Hollywood again living my dream of being a professional parade dancer. It was a mile of fun and joy and rainbows and connection. Like I’ve said here before after the Paris attacks– art heals. Music and dancing heals. After the parade I went and got Hawaiian BBQ (rainbows aren’t just for LGBTQA) and settled in to watch the Tony’s. I watch the Tony’s every year because I love theatre. I felt it and I saw so many of my friend’s and the world’s reaction to the Tony’s – it was healing. Art heals. There were beautiful acceptance sonnets and songs that had nothing to do with the day’s tragedy. They all helped.

 

Over the past couple of days I’ve watched the late show anchors and the newscasters react and share and try to find away to talk about this again. Many pointed to the blood drives and the people who lined up around the block to donate. Giving back is a way to heal. Few pointed out that male homosexuals aren’t able to donate. Few pointed out that the people who donated blood last week in Orlando, on just a normal day as something they do, were lifesavers. I hear the stories on the news of the survivors and I’m devastated.

 

This week I’m wearing a rainbow lapel pin. It feels to me to match the flags flying at half-staff; a gesture of respect. The fight and the celebration continue.

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Why Volunteer?

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Someone asked me the other day why I volunteer. They made some other assumptions but I’ll tell you the real story (as well as I can).

I’m also a writer and there is always talk about why you’re are a writer, who really is a writer, and what reasons are valid. The standardly accepted response is; Writers write because they have to. For me it’s not that simple. I could say I write because I have to, because I’m compelled to but I write to put my head in order, and I write to remember, and I write to communicate, and I write to understand things (like Didion). But mostly I write because I love reading and someday I hope to write something that will effect someone else the way that my favorite books have effected me.

I don’t have the same clarity as to why I volunteer. It’s partially because I always have. I started volunteering with my family when I was around 8 years old. Some if it is because I get to participate in pretty cool events, I used to usher to see plays or the ballet. Occasionally I’ll be invited by a friend. It does look good on my resume and that’s a real benefit. The first answer that always comes to mind is why wouldn’t I volunteer?

I think really though it’s how I feel when I happen to be in the right place, offering the right help, at the right time. When I feel like I actually might be changing the world.

Why do you volunteer? Are we all just crazy?

One in a Million

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“Small acts, when multiplied by millions of people, can transform the world.”

– Howard Zinn

When I had that awful cold last week (which is still lingering) I started to feel frustrated that I couldn’t help. I get so much joy from being productive and helping others that to have to sit on the couch all day and sleep isn’t something fun for me. Especially after my big amazing week of volunteering at the Invictus Games. I had to cancel my Crisis Text Line shift and my appointment to donate blood and had to end another Crisis Text Line shift early.

Missing my blood donation appointment was hard on me and I’m still looking for a good time to fit it back in but I really do need to feel 100% to donate. Donating blood as much as I’m able is really a big focus for me this year. And of course I got a few emails that this last weekend my blood type was in short supply for platelet donations. I felt even worse.

Then today I came across this Howard Zinn quote and it reminded me to calm down. Two weeks or a month out of the year focusing on myself and my health doesn’t matter. The small things I do the rest of the year can transform the world. I’m one of millions of people who volunteer, who donate blood, who counsel those in need, who help with events. Together we’ve got this. I can take a rest if I need it because someone is out there to help pick up the slack. And when I get back to full health I can give someone else with the helping spirit a little slack when they need it.

Countdown to Invitus

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Only 5 days until I’ll be in Orlando for the Invitus Games! I’m very excited and also in scramble mode trying to get things done. I’m starting to see why people take Voluntourism vacations that are pre-planned… Pulling things together from across the country is a lot of work. I’m also doing a 10k and a half marathon this weekend. I had signed up for it previously and it will be the reason I’m going to miss the opening ceremonies of the games.

 

I’m trying to put together a game plan for my posts and what I’m going to write about. I’ll try to do a quick update daily during the games and hope to come away with some longer pieces by the end of my trip. I’m signed up to volunteer from 7am to 11pm most days so we’ll see what happens.

 

The Queen, POTUS, and Trudeau are all ready and have posted twitter videos that are pretty hilarious. So I’m just going to take a queue from them and drop the mic on this post. Game on!

Making Sure Your Help is Helping

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On Sunday I watched a piece on CBS Sunday Morning – When Disaster Relief Brings Anything But

It was devastating. One leader in the field had a slideshow of disaster relief disasters; piles and piles of unneeded clothing, warehouses full of unused teddy bears and toys. As someone inclined to help it’s upsetting to see that every little bit doesn’t count, that good intention is far from enough, and it reminded me how important it is to think about how best to direct our urge to help. The inclination to be kind is a spark, a wonderful spark, but to turn it into a healing fire it takes thought and restraint and work.

For me one of the harder areas of philanthropy is supporting our troops. I’ve written letters in support drives, sent scarves in care packages, and I clap and say thank you at airports but it all seems very misdirected.

There was an article in the NY Times last year about that – Please Don’t Thank Me for My Service – The article was wonderfully written and reinforced my instinct that I wasn’t doing enough or doing it quite right.

I’m so excited to go to the Invictus Games!  It’s going to be a fun event and maybe I’ll be able to get some insight into how to help. Sometimes the biggest sticking point is that we need those who need the help to guide us. They know best what they need but sometimes they don’t really know what they need.

I run across vets when I’m crisis counseling. I’ve seen PTSD in real life and what it means to be a military family. But I still feel like I’m missing some key, the answer is still in a code I can’t seem to break. What does “I support our troops” really mean and how can I stop it from feeling like a phrase in a foreign language? How do I make more than a beau geste?

Volunteering to Literally Give Yourself

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One of my resolutions this past New Years was to donate blood on a regular basis I’ve done a couple of times casually in the past, when there was a blood drive near by. I downloaded the app  and have started making my appointments to donate whole blood every 56 days (or so). I don’t mind needles, I’m healthy and don’t feel very effected after donating, and they tell me I’m saving 3 lives, which is a nice energy boost.

 

Exploring more about it I found out there are four types of blood donation – Whole Blood (typically what we think of), Platelet Apheresis, Plasma Apheresis, and Double Red Cells. They all have different requirements, waiting periods between donations, and blood type needs. Honestly, I’m still pretty confused by it but I am a candidate for Whole Blood and Platelets.

 

I’ve given whole blood twice already this year. Then I signed up for my first platelet donation this past Sunday. They pretty severely underestimate the time it takes to donate blood/platelets. They say platelets takes about 2 hours and really it ended up taking my whole Sunday so I had plenty of time to think about how this kind of volunteering works.

 

I made the first appointment of the morning, which I like to do for two reasons – then I have the rest of the day to do my thing, and I can still have my coffee at a reasonable time (caffeine before donation makes me ineligible because of the effect on my blood pressure). Last time I gave blood it was in the afternoon so it was a whole day without morning coffee and I wasn’t happy.

 

I went to my local Red Cross center. There was someone sleeping on the stoop as I walked in. I went through the pre-test physical. I had to do the worst part (the finger prick iron test) twice but I was ready to go. I had filled out the questionnaire that morning before I arrived; they call it a Rapid Pass. Although you have to do it either way so I don’t think it counts as a timesavings. I picked a DVD – The Martian – and got settled into the chair. I’ve been meaning to see The Martian so I was really excited and thought to myself oh this it just like watching a movie on a Sunday afternoon except I’m doing good. That of course isn’t completely accurate but it’s a nice thought. Unfortunately, the timing worked out that the part of The Martian where Matt Damon is doing surgery on himself happened as they were putting needles into my arms (this center does the two arm method taking blood from one arm and returning it through the other) – all things I normally look away from. Just had to close my eyes for a few minutes and I was fine. They piled the blankets on me and instructed me to hold still except for one hand squeezing a ball.

 

It’s harder than it sounds to hold still for that long. When I normally watch a DVD, I shift, I eat, pet the dog, etc. The actually process of apheresis took 2 hours. I wondered who came up with this and how. How do you think – hey patients can’t clot properly, what if we take someone else’s blood, use a centrifuge to separate the platelets and then give it to the patient?! I think they should make way more bio-pics about scientific discovery. I think it’s so interesting.

 

Afterwards it’s the normal cookies and orange juice routine. The person who was sleeping on the stoop when I came in had moved inside. She was kind of talking to me, kind of mumbling. I try my best to acknowledge everyone, even when I have nothing more to give. But it was difficult. I needed this time to recover. I didn’t want to talk to anyone or have to worry about anything. I didn’t want her there but I also wouldn’t have wanted the Red Cross to remove them. No one wants to feel like a jerk after making a donation and this was a catch 22 sort of moment.

 

Physically it felt a little like I was drunk – tired, clumsy, tingly nose – but overall I felt fine. It felt like it took more out of me than the normal blood donation but it was probably because of the amount of time spent and that it was my first time. I probably tensed my arms too much in an effort to remain still.

 

All in it took me about 4 hours. Then it took the rest of the day to recover. I was really tired the entire day and now, a couple days later I’m still tired and have a pretty big bruise on one of my arms. I laid on my couch the rest of the day and my dog curled up next to me and gave me a kiss on my inner elbow where the blood had been drawn. It was sweet.

 

It’s strange because it’s not just time, sweat, and/or skills; you’re giving a literal part of yourself – your blood.

 

I decided to start taking a multi-vitamin with iron so I can make it through the rest of the year donating whole blood, I think I’ll do platelets again but not on a regular basis and it made me think seriously about registering for the Bone Marrow registry, something which I think I’ll do when I have a better job with health care and vacation days.

 

Have you donated blood? What are your feelings about blood donation as part of a volunteering repertoire?

 

For more information call the Red Cross 1-800-RED-CROSS to find out more or visit redcrossblood.org. Or contact your local hospital for more information.

 

Q2: Volunteering

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I’ve spent the first three months of this year looking at self-care. Why it’s important and strategies for how to do it. For me friends, exercise, and naps/tv are very important and I’ll always struggle to not feel guilty about taking care of myself. The difference between selfish and self-care can be hard to see but it exists. It’s been wonderful to explore but now it’s time to turn to volunteer. Why do I do it, how can I do it better, and what kinds of things can I do?

 

This week is National Volunteer Week. Great timing to kick this off (I wish I could say I had planned it that way).

I’ve been volunteering nearly all my life. I started selling Nutcrackers at intermission at the Ballet and stuffing and labeling hundreds and hundreds of letters and invitations to local non-profit events.

Last year I hit 202 volunteer hours which is a little more than a half hour a day on average. This number shocked me at the end of the year. I knew I put a lot of time in but I never went out of my way to log hours. I didn’t volunteer for anything to get credit or to hit some arbitrary number. But the hours added up anyway.

I’ve been volunteering so long and I think I do it without much thought. The next three months are going to change that.

 

I hope you’ll share your volunteer stories with me.

 

Friendship as Self-Care

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I have great friends, I really do, but I’m also an introvert. I’m social and enjoy going out but being doesn’t recharge me the way it does for extroverts. I revel in alone time and can’t seem to get enough.

 

When I’m going through a hard time all I want to do is stay at home on my couch and watch TV or sleep. My instincts tell me to stay in and ignore the phone calls, ignore all the invites to grab a coffee or go to an event. But really, just like exercise, it’s something that might help the most when you least want to do it. Being social and engaging with others is so very important.

 

One of the first things I ask when I’m counseling others is if they’ve talked to anyone else about their problems, if they have any friends or family members they’d feel comfortable talking to. I understand that you can’t necessarily talk to every friend about everything but hopefully there is someone in your life who will understand.

 

The other thing I recommend to people sometimes is even if you don’t feel like talking through all your problems; go out with your friends, talk about movies or actors you have crushes on or anything. Sometimes just being social and light and having the human connection can do a lot for you long term even when you don’t feel it short term. Now of course there is a balance and if you really don’t feel like going out sometimes it’s okay to stay in and stay to yourself. I just know for myself, sometimes it’s the nights I’ve fought the most against going out that I’ve ended up having the most fun.

 

For my birthday I went out to dinner with a couple of my friends. This has been a fairly typical celebration for the past few years and it brings me so much joy. It’s wonderful to be around people who know you and like to talk about interesting things.

 

Self-Care can sound self-centered and it normally makes us think of things we can do for ourselves, by ourselves but being social is a great tool for self-care. Laughing, making others laugh, it is a wonderful way to take care of yourself and heal when you need it.

 

How do you use your friendships to help with your self-care?